Unassigned

Day: 0
Case #: Unassigned
Age: 13 y 10 mon
Guardians: Deceased by drowning/shrapnel; bodies unrecovered Displacement Status: Refugee / Origin: Vehari / Ethnicity: Unclear Location: Border Control and Refugee Processing

Well then, I made it here. I don’t even know where exactly ‘here’ is. Nothing went according to Pappa’s expectations. None of Mamma’s prayers were answered. This would have been when I looked at my older sister Saliha and said, “See? I told you we were going to make it here safely.”

It’s just me here now. Anyway, a lady called Meredith told me she’s going to take over my case. She handed me clean clothes. It felt odd to put on dry layers. Especially the bright yellow socks. It had been a while since I last saw myself in something unstained with muck or blood. She asked me a bunch of questions about my health and safety from before. I told her I was healthy before we had to leave. She did a lot of nodding and then handed me a metal cube in my palm. I am supposed to keep this cube safely in my pocket and scan it at every door. Each face has a tiny 240519 etched on it. 240519 is what they call me now.

Day: 1.5
Case #: 240519
Age: 13 y 10 mon
Location: Border Control and Refugee Processing

They read out a list of medical tests and injections I need before I can join the others. They then told me I need to wait.

Still waiting… I’ve been spending all my time in bed. This place feels like the water cooler from when my sister and I used to play catch-catch. Up until we were eight and eleven, Saliha and I used to test how fast we could run to catch the other first before we reached the water cooler in our garden. As long as either of us was on the raised platform beside thecooler, we couldn’t get caught. It was momentarily safe next to the cooler. I remember it felt okay standing next to it even though all I could see in front of me was my sister circling the garden like a shark, giggling, waiting for me to slip five inches out of the cooler stand. Waddling close by to engulf me in a tickle hug.

This felt like that. As long as I could stay in bed, everything was on pause. Except of course, instead of Saliha circling the bed, it was Meredith and all her tests. My arms feel sore from all the blood Meredith has been extracting out of me. Can’t they just take however much they need all at once? Surely you don’t need bottles of blood to tell you I’m anaemic or have an infection.

They also found out I can read so they gave me a stack of graphic novels. I don’t know if I want to read those. I have been mostly sleeping. I sleep a lot these days. The past few weeks have been full of medical check-ups and tests. But Meredith said they are finished with those. It doesn’t really matter anyway. All I want to do is go back to sleep. Meredith told she is going to move my case forward. That basically means I’m going to have to thumb-press and sign tens of government forms. Meredith told me I should also start getting prepared for possible virtual testing. I have no idea what that is or how I’m meant to prepare but I nodded anyway. It’s easier to do that with Meredith. She reads me pages and pages of words. She always uses words like ‘refugee’, ‘asylum’ and ‘processing’. When she’s finished, I give her a couple bobbing nods until she’s satisfied. This way I can go back to my room and sleep and not have to think about anything or anyone else.

*

I thought it would be twenty forms, tops. But Meredith has been having a form circus in her office these last few weeks. I am tired.

I learned a new word today; ‘expedited’. It seems my case has a good chance of being expedited. I may be assigned a new family and this future family wants to make sure I am healthy. That means I’m being told my profile and circumstances are ideal than most.

I might be sent to brand new parents instead of a big foster family. Just today, I was informed that my case would be expedited since I am a literate minor with no living guardians or family in this foreign land. An unexpected perk of being an orphan fleeing war, I guess. As long as I don’t get sent back to the warzone, I don’t think I’ll be picky about my new home.

*

I had a meeting today. Meredith was there obviously but it felt more like an interview. I spoke to a woman called Amari who needed to know everything about my life in Vehari. There is a couple in Northern Oakpahar who is fascinated by my story. Somehow, they even managed to find my video diary channel online. Amari told me they have watched every single video I have uploaded on my channel so far (before the civil war).

Listening to Amari speak about the couple made me wonder whether they had fallen in love with a version of 240519 from the past. She does not exist anymore. Although, I cannot help but find myself wondering what the people who used to watch me would think if they knew what my life has become. Of course, if they are not dead themselves. I can think of ten sensational titles to go with my life right now. They would not even have to be clickbait.

There have been some major developments. Today, Meredith warned me about the conflicting results of my psychological evaluations.

“We understand your situation, 240519. You have already been through a lifetime’s worth of loss. It would be in your best interests to start over and look forward to your new life. Your new family. This couple wants you dearly. You finally have a chance at a good life,” explained Meredith.

“I already had a good life. And a family” I told her.

“240519, while your video diaries provide evidence of your life and who you used to be in Vehari, you have no official documents to prove that you are well…you. And since you are an undocumented refugee and a minor, we cannot detain you within this facility indefinitely. This family is giving you another chance at life. All they require is for you to let go of the past. Think about it. You’ll have a new name, new family, a brand-new life. This is the land of possibilities, and we believe you should at least allow yourself the opportunity to recreate your identity,” she explained.

“According to your psych evaluations, we believe you are dealing with ambiguous loss. Your family was ripped away from you suddenly…,” she continued.

That’s how war works, Meredith, I almost snapped back. No one takes your permission or asks if you are ready before drowning you in rubble. Rubble that is peppered with the obliterated remains of your family and your home.

“For individuals in circumstances like you, the State Bureau has developed a series of simulations designed to help you—and us, decide if you are ready to seek closure from your past and move towards a safer, newer life. Now, we cannot help or prepare you for what these simulations will entail, as they will reflect specific concerns your future family may wish to address. You might find your logic skills or emotional intelligence be put to the test. Just remember that we all want to make sure you are able to settle into your new family and new life in this country.”

Bottom-line: Undocumented alien minors like myself need to stop testing my future adoptive family’s patience. We had better give promising results in the simulations to eventually cross the border to this promised land. Otherwise we can find ourselves in a randomly assigned refugee campsite. The choice is ours.

Day: Test Day
Name: 240519
Age: 14 y 6 mon
Displacement Status: Refugee
Location: Border Control and Refugee Processing

Before I can spend any more weeks ruminating on what my simulations will look like, the big day is already upon me.

“Case 240519, room F”- says a voice in the overhead speakers as I drag my feet forward and follow the arrows to the room. I feel a bubble of nerves in my chest expanding with every second. I push my elbow into the door labelled ‘F’ to find a man waiting for me. He looks up from his clipboard.

“Why hello… 240519,” he reads, “Come on in.”
His hair is the lightest shade of grey I have ever seen. The room is almost completely dim, except for a lined green glow from the ceiling. In one corner, I can spot a pair of heavy- duty gloves and a headset. I wonder if he can hear my heart pounding all the way up in my throat.

“My name is Jepp and I will be conducting your simulation today,” he calls out as he busies himself with the equipment. I stand on the side awkwardly as he pushes the gloves towards me.

“Here, put these on. These are Haptic gloves. You will need these to interact with the objects inside your simulations as you would in real life. You simply need to tap your thumb on your index finger when you select an item.”

I take the gloves from him and slide my trembling hands in. Jepp must have noticed as his face dissolves into a warm smile.

“It is okay to be nervous. Being nervous means, you care. Hopefully, these simulation tests will help uncloud your head and makes things clearer. Maybe even help you move forward with your life. Step on the X, please” said Jepp, pointing over my shoulder. I nod and make my way to the giant ‘X’ in the middle of the room as he hands me the headset.

“Now this part is straight forward. You will keep this headset on throughout. The environment in the simulations are designed to automatically adapt to you. Did you have VR or Mixed Reality where you come from?”

“Of course, we had Virtual Reality technology in Vehari,” I said in a tiny voice, “We would use it all the time in science class…” my voice trailed off.

“The reason I ask is because these simulation environments are uniquely tailored to every individual. I am not allowed to interfere or terminate the process. No matter how long it takes. Sometimes they may put you in situations or places that feel strangely familiar or even real. If it gets too much, just remind yourself, it is only a simulation.”

I nod again and place the headset firmly over my head. Jepp adjusts the straps to the earbuds. I faintly hear him step away. There is nothing but pitch-black darkness inside the headset. Jepp’s voice rings loud and clear inside the earbuds.

“Alright, 240519, it is time to begin, now.”

Suddenly, a passage of white text materialises before my eyes.

“Welcome to your first simulation, 240519. You are stranded on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Your task is to look for objects that may aid your survival and signal for attention until rescue arrives. There is a transatlantic cruise ship scheduled to pass by your current location in roughly 30 minutes. That is the amount of time you have to solve this puzzle. Please note that any articles for navigation are of little importance as your raft has a tiny hole in it. Your best chance at survival before the raft capsizes would be to explore your environment and use logic to advance to the next task. Tap your index finger to interact with the items around you. Don’t forget to keep an eye on your health bar.”

The moment the announcement ends, the black fades into azure and yellow. The glistening ocean stretches out over the handles of a bright yellow raft. I can’t help but notice how hauntingly familiar the raft feels as I turn my eyes to look around me. The sun is so bright I feel my eyes squint behind the glass. I take a deep breath and decide to treat this like a hidden object game I used to play with Saliha. Circling the floor, I make a mental note of everything I can see. There is a red plastic box, one roll of rope, a fishing kit, two energy bars, a pocket radio, and folded maps. First, I try out my Haptic gloves by hunching close to an energy bar. I point my right hand at the bar and tap my thumb against my index finger. The bar leaps into my palm. I can feel my hand drop slightly. It almost feels like I am physically holding it. Glancing at the time and health bar in the corner above me, I decide to take one energy bar every fifteen minutes.

As I watch my health bar shoot to green, I begin eliminating the remaining objects and toss them to a side depending on their utility. As expected, shaking or waving the radio into different corners of the raft proves useless. It only relays static. A slither of rising tension does not help as in my effort to toss the radio aside, my shaky hands accidentally flung it intothe ocean. I really hope that wasn’t necessary at some point. By the time I move to the maps, they appear slightly mushy from the ocean water slipping into the raft. I lose five minutes trying to understand how the fishing kit works when it hits me. It is useless to hunt and store fish when the objective is to attract attention to myself.

My eyes fall on the red plastic box and I immediately seize it. There seem to be a seven-digit combination lock near the snaps, although instead of numbers, the dials have colours. I turn the case over hoping for some clues and sure enough there is a single line:

Read only your good books in Vehari.

I shake my head in puzzlement, repeating the line over and over, trying to make sense of it. Feeling my panic rise, I start trying random combinations; all red, then all yellow and so on. Shaking the box does nothing. I dip it into the seawater. Nothing. I wipe it dry with the damp maps. Nothing. The ropes are too coarse. I try rubbing the rope on the box. Nothing. Ugh, this is so stupid. How can you test logic with a colour test?

I’m starting to think this whole exercise is meant to test colour-blindness. I keep repeating the line on the case aloud. I am on my second energy bar when I realise, Read, Only, Your… Read only your…ROYGBIV! There are seven colours in each of the dials and
seven colours of the rainbow! My hands shoot towards the dials as I roll them in the correct order. There is a gentle click sound and the case flies open.

I feel my shoulders drop in disappointment, as I look at the piece of glass staring back at me. I was hoping for a flare gun. I remember my father using a flare gun when we were on the real raft. Shaking these images from my head, I notice my shoes in the simulation are now fully submerged in ocean water. By now, the time bar is at an orange. I turn and examine the mirror in my virtual palm when there is a loud foghorn in the distance. A ship is due any minute. I begin to pace around the raft and sure enough a pale structure in the horizon is beginning to take shape. It is unbelievable how realistic everything looks. The sunbeam hits the water like a distant lightbulb. My heart is racing as I look down at the mirror and back up at the sun. I pinch-select the mirror and position it against the sunbeam. It glitters as bright as a mini star! It takes a few tries to adjust the angle towards the ship, but it works. I feel a smile forming on my face as the scene before me fades to black. A white text appears:

You have passed. Get ready for Simulation 2.

A door begins to emerge in the darkness. I gently tap my index finger to my thumb and it flings open. My eyes adjust to the bright room; curiosity melting into disbelief. I feel my body drop to the ground. I’m…home. I am inside my house. My bedroom. Then I see them.

Saliha, Mamma, and Pappa. Three beaming faces. Right before me. They look better than I remember. A bit younger, taller, but they are alive. Their faces untouched by the spoils of war. I look down at my hands, expecting to see the Haptic gloves like before, but they are gone. My hands look like my own hands. I look further down. I am wearing my own clothes. My clothes from Vehari. I feel an intense wave of déjà vu wash over me. It feels all too familiar. I try to maintain my balance when I hear a voice in the distance. The voice is somehow softer, younger but unmistakable. I have been craving to hear this voice for eight months, aside from its distorted version during sleep.

“Zeenia.”

I freeze. It’s odd to hear my name aloud after months of being referred to as 240519. I had almost forgotten. I hear the faint creak of Mamma’s feet as she walks up to me. “We have been waiting for you for a while, my love,” she says, smiling.

Maybe I am dead. Maybe my brain collapsed in the middle of the simulation and I died.

“We are so proud of you, Zeenia,” says Pappa, his eyes gleaming, “Look how far you have made it at such a young age.”
I never thought I would live to hear Pappa say those words to me again.

“Yes. We thought we should throw you a little surprise party to celebrate your 5000 subscribers!” exclaimed Saliha.

My subscribers? I feel my chest agonisingly deflate as I realise what’s going on. No wonder I feel I have seen this before. I am inside my own video diary. I had filmed this years ago for my video journal. This was all pre-recorded. My family was not alive; they were merely preserved as footage in this perfect virtual memory. I feel my eyes burn as Mamma’s next words flash across my mind. 5000 subscribers –

“- at eleven,” Mamma finished my thought, “If I knew you were going to be this skilled with a camera, we would have got you one years ago.” I take a few steps towards and raise my hand to hers. I felt nothing. It was like holding onto air. It wasn’t like the simulation before where I could feel a gentle pressure against my fingertips when I interacted with the objects around me. This was meant to not be real on purpose. The three of them carry on like a play rehearsal, ignoring me completely.

I feel myself drop. If there ever was a time for the universe to physically collapse my brain, this would be it. I close my eyes and scream out words. Words I hope sound like shut my brain, please. If my brain died, I could at least be mentally locked inside these pixels with them forever. Neither of us would have to talk about what happens to us. I forbade myself to feel the weight of what happened to them. I cannot. I feel the dense, pulsating dread creeping up. I cannot. I might survive seeing them in a video diary but thinking about what happened I would not survive.

When I fell to the floor, the camera view on the headset adjusted. It felt as though they were speaking in the same room; it was just not to me. Each time I move to get up… to pick myself up, I collapse; each attempt spinning me farther into a corner. Away from my family. Away from Mamma, Pappa, and Saliha. I will never see them again. I will never hear their voices again. I will never have parents again. Or a sister. It will never be the same again. I will never be Zeenia again.

I never understood why they call it “reality”. Augmented, virtual, mixed, whatever. It’s never real. It’s cruel and ignorant to address this version of my family as any semblance of reality. There is no reality where they exist anymore. They are dead, lost forever in the ocean, in the rubble and I am not. I can never get my life back. I can just look at them from afar. Watch the three of them repeat a looped conversation. All I can do is watch.

I shut my eyes and crawl backwards until my fingers feel the edge of the simulation room wall. I feel my throat constrict. It is suffocating to be in here. I cannot do this much longer. My insides feel…black. To think they had no idea what was to come. No inkling of what would happen to all of us. Of the gruesome way it would end.

It occurs to me that despite whatever sadistic virtual technology this simulation is worth, the truth was that this could be the last time I ever saw my family. Even if it was their pixelated selves. I no longer own any hard drives full of home videos. No photographs. Nothing. I could never bring myself to see them again. Not like this anyway.

So I opened my eyes and let them stare hungrily. I allowed myself to take their beaming faces in; mentally clenching my brain to remember. Remember the details. Saliha’s dimples. Mamma smirking at Pappa. I pleaded with my brain to remember them like this. Remember them the way they used to be. Not what became of them.

Every so often between the hot tears blinding my vision, I would blink my eyes fiercely and take a photo. These mental images are what I would keep. This is everything I would let 240519 keep of Zeenia. Zeenia died with her family too. There was nothing and no one else left to remember with her. It was no use letting 240519 suffer for this.

For a little while longer, I let myself just watch.

It may have been two hours. Maybe four hours later, when I feel myself pull off the headset. It was as damp as my face.
Finally, I look up at Jepp.

“Tell Meredith I am ready to meet my new family.”

Day: 700
Name: Mya Lee-Khan
Age: 14 y 8 mon
Status: Assigned
Guardians: Amelia Khan, Daud Lee Location: Northern Oakpahar